I don't know that I can actually physically do this course. I've barely started it, preferring to spend my time on my Gender Studies subject which I find a lot easier. There are 2 lectures per week for the cultural studies course, and within the lectures are 'exercises.' I'm doing it online so I guess it's just a way to ensure we are doing the work. Anyway. I've been trying to do the first exercise for 2 weeks and I just can not do it without bawling my eyes out. There are two photographs. One is by Paul Watson and is the body of a U.S. Soldier being dragged through the streets of Somalia. The other is by Kyoichi Sawada and shows U.S. Soldiers dragging the body of a Viet Cong soldier through the mud. I can't stand it. I can't look at them. We are supposed to analyse them and talk about the perceptions of America, identify who is doing the 'looking' etc etc. Some awful wank. I was trying to find some information on the first photograph I mentioned and have learned that Paul Watson was forever haunted by the photograph that he took, that he suffered severe PTSD and depression and became a drug user. From that information I came across another name - Kevin Carter - who was harrassed at a Pulitzer Prize ceremony for his photograph of a vulture waiting for a Sudanese child to die. They wanted to know what he did about it, and he said he sat under a tree and cried. 2 months later, he killed himself. Stupidly, I googled the damn picture and am back to square.fucking.one with the crying thing. I don't know why I mentioned it, even. Please don't google it.
In one way I am quite embarrassed that I can't get through a simple, first year exercise (worth probably 1 or 2% of my course) without turning into a blubbering mess. Yes, I must harden the fuck up. Yes, these things have happened and are happening still, and sitting and blubbering in my sheltered Aussie bubble isn't going to change anything. But I still feel angry that I have do this kind of thing. There are a million evocative photos to choose from and yet these are the ones that they throw at us. I want to post on the discussion board about it, state how distressed this course is making me, explain why I can't think of a single god damn thing to write, but then I am the pussy who couldn't hack it. I am the stupid girl who can't pull herself together enough to realise that is not MY pain, it is THEIR pain. I get that, I truly do.
Education should be uplifting. It should make you feel like you are gaining enough power to make a positive difference. It shouldn't make you feel like this.
1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before? - pushed a 4kg baby out of my vag.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I'm of the school that believes that making New Years' Resolutions basically ensures that you will not keep them!
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Yes. My dear friend Aphie and my dear sister, Kerri. And a lot of lovely ladies over on the Bub Hub forums.
4. Did anyone close to you die? No
5. What countries did you visit? None
6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008? More motivation to keep my life and home neat, tidy and organised. And maybe a house. Or a puppy! No, not a puppy. Hm.. *thinks*
7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? June 3rd - the day Elliot was born September 18th - the day my niece, Grace, was born
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Not going totally loopy with the baby-raising, and establishing and maintaining a positive breastfeeding relationship with my baby (and refuting the tin of formula over and over until it was passed on to another mother!)
9. What was your biggest failure? There were a few - Letting my eating get out of control, Not finishing first semester of uni for this year, Not recognising that I was incredibly depressed and in a shitty situation before breaking up with Moses and hurting him so badly.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Yes - Obstetric Cholestasis during pregnancy, and gallstones.
11. What was the best thing you bought? It's totally lame, but our expensive pram. It is so freakin awesome.
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration? Moses' for being so supportive despite my complete and total insanity, and for making such a tremendous effort with all things baby.
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? Nicci Bean's on occasion, and my brother-in-law's at times as well, for how he treats my sister some times.
14. Where did most of your money go? Baby stuff.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Um. I'm not sure really! Lots of things, I imagine.
16. What song will always remind you of 2008? I didn't really listen to much music this year. Maybe that 'Big Girls' one. Was that 2008 ??
17. are you happier or sadder? Much happier thinner or fatter? Much fatter. richer or poorer? Personally, much poorer. But as a 'family', we are richer.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? I'm not suuuure. Exercising..?
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Shopping, spending, sleeping.
20. How will you be spending Christmas? I spent it with my family at my Mum and Dad's place.
22. Did you fall in love in 2008? A million times with Moses and Elliot.
23. How many one night stands? None
24. What was your favorite TV program? Project Runway, America's Next Top Model, Top Chef
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? No.
26. What was the best book you read? Um. I'm not sure. "Under Pressure", by that guy. maybe.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery? nil.
28. What did you want and get? Somewhere to live, for Mo to get his license and be a bit more independent.
29. What did you want and not get? Some savings, a proper holiday.
30. What was your favourite film of this year? I don't remember :|
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I was 23. I spent the morning with morning sickness, then I cleaned a little. Joh came to visit with biscuits as a gift. We ate biscuits. Mo came home during his lunch break to bring me a beautiful bunch of low-allergen flowers (awww. we are such nerds). Then Nicci Bean and I went to lunch at Nando's, and went shopping and I bought a blue top. I can't remember if this was my birthday or the day after, but we went to Lowenbrau for dinner with some friends in Sydney??? I looked especially pregnant and my right nipple leaked goo.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Not sure.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Comfortable. Dresses with stretchy pants, skirts worn as strapless dresses. Not an underwire to be seen.
34. What kept you sane? The baby. No choice there, really.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? n/a
36. What political issue stirred you the most? Colin the whale.
37. Who did you miss? My childless friends.
38. Who was the best new person you met? I'm not sure really. Some of the mums from Bub Hub I suppose.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008. Think positive! Change your thinking. Etc. It's not about what happens, it's about your attitude! Does that make sense?
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. "We all live in a yellow submarine.." ???
Long time, no post. Elliot is still alive and so am I. Yippee. He's very sweet. He babbles mamama and dadada and bububub at us a lot, among other things. He eats lots of food that I whizz up for him every few days and he is fat and happy and healthy. He sits up on his own and has abandoned his efforts to start crawling, preferring to scoot around on his bum like a dog with worms instead. 9 out of 10 times, this makes him fall over and bang his head on the floor (insert crying here). We have moved into our flat (have I said that already) and I have decided I want to get married. *shrug* I am in the process of switching my anti depressant from Efexor to Zoloft, and am back on meds for my insulin. Breast feeding has NOT helped me to lose any weight and my shins hurt when I walk these days. Not good. Feeling awful about all that but still. The festive season is upon us. Mo's parents are jack asses (mostly his dad) for variousr easons that i can't explain because the baby has just decided to vom. Everywhere.
So, anyway.. years ago, there was a great scene on one of my favourite TV programs, The Amazing Race. Basically (if you haven't seen it), the contestants race around the world, performing tasks as they go, getting eliminated, blah blah. First team to reach the finish line wins the big bucks. In this particular episode, the contestants were in Sweden at the biggest Ikea in the world. They had a choice of two tasks. The first one was to correctly count how many teeny-tiny stuffed toys were in a massive box. The other task was to build a home office cabinet/computer cabinet thing, using the instruction leaflet. I laughed at one team who spent (I think) 14 hours trying to build this piece of furniture. They screamed at each other, cried, had tantrums, gave up, started again, finished but did it wrong, had to start again AGAIN. Anyway. I thought it was absolutely hilarious.
2 hours in to building my very own Ikea product - a small pine wardrobe with 3 walls, a bottom shelf for shoes and a clothes rail - and I ain't laughin' no more.
Please read this. It would mean alot to me if you did, because the poem itself means so much to me. The picture book is amazing, if you've got a spare 20 bucks.
May the road be free for the journey, May it lead where it promised it would, May the stars that gave ancient bearings Be seen, still be understood May every aircraft fly safely, May every traveler be found, May sailors in crossing the ocean Not hear the cries of the drowned May gardens be wild, like jungles, May nature never be tamed, May dangers create of us heroes, May fears always have names, May the mountains stand to remind us, Of what it means to be young May we be outlived by our daughters, May we be outlived by our sons May the bombs rust away in the bunkers, And the doomsday clock not be rewound May the solitary scientists, working Remember the holes in the ground May the knife remain in the holder, May the bullet stay in the gun, May those who live in the shadows Be seen by those in the sun